Happy Baby Things

As a woman, a Brit, and a comedian, it can be difficult to talk about the positives in life. You don’t want to appear to be boasting. Or be impolite. And success is not particularly funny. There is a reason why Homer Simpson was not a top lawyer.

But I feel that it is important.

Recently, I was asked how having a baby is going and I replied, ‘it’s awesome.’ There was an odd silence. As if there was a requirement to add a footnote. ‘Obviously it was hard at the beginning,’ (it was). Or ‘we’re baffled by how to wean…’ (we are) or ‘I miss lie-ins on the weekend…’ (I do.) There was something unusual about simply saying ‘it’s the best thing in the world.’

If it was okay to just come out and say all of the wonderful things your baby is doing, it would stop people from having to think up creative ways to subtly (or not-so-subtly) boast about their children. But we do not live in a society like that. It’s much easier to write on a WhatsApp group that you are struggling with something than it is to say you’ve had a big success.

But successes and happy things matter too. Especially at a time when the world is so rough, sometimes the only thing that gives me hope is my baby’s smile.

So here we are. A list of very wonderful things about having a baby:

> She has learned how to roll over. And I’m pretty sure she has done it just so she can get out of doing exercise. Every time I put her on her tummy for ‘tummy time,’ she pulls her ‘magic flip’ and gets straight out of it. As someone who did not exercise for the first twenty-three years of my life, I very much admire this commitment to avoid anything strenuous at all costs.

> She wears baby sleeping bags that have koalas on them. It clips around the shoulders and they have space to kick their legs around in their little soft snuggle sack. It’s like if your duvet was a dress. Grown-ups should have them too, honestly.

> She loves pears. I read all about how you’re not supposed to give them fruit purees and only vegetables when you are weaning, but every time I give her vegetables, she growls at me. So then I give her some pear and it makes both of our days.

> She will often just look at me in amazement and grab my face. It is very flattering.

> She loves talking. She chats all day: to me, to her toys, to the dog, to the trees, to everything. ‘Weh blo blue, blah-blah.’ She has a voice and she is desperate to use it.

> I am currently reading her seasonal fairy poems as a bedtime story. She listens intently and runs her hands across the pictures on the pages. Only very occasionally does she try to eat the book.

> She is so happy to see me every morning. Again, it is very flattering. And I am so very, very happy to see her.

> Practically all baby coats have bear ears on them.

> The bar is now very low for what constitutes a ‘good day plan.’ I used to stress about making days exciting and interesting and full to the brim. Now, if we can get out to the coffee shack by the bridge, we’ve had an incredibly busy and successful day.

> When she looks at herself in the mirror. It’s the best thing.

> When she looks at me in the mirror. Also the best thing.

> The upside-down frowny face she does when she’s about to cry. And how if I catch it early, I can genuinely turn that frown upside down.

> Baby swimming class. They make you dunk them, which is terrifying at first, but seeing my baby in the pool in her baby wetsuit is 100% worth the extortionate price of what is essentially just singing nursery-rhymes in a wet circle.

> I had no idea that walking with a pram was going to be so good. Never have I looked at that activity, pre-baby, and thought I was missing out. But now, it is my favourite thing. You have to get outside, otherwise it’s just horizontal living room scrunchy book and squeaky giraffe action. Baby loves looking at everything, and I see things through her eyes. Imagine a tree for the first time. A river for the first time. How insanely good does SKY look, when you actually look at it?

> Her smile. And how she smiles and tries to make friends with everyone she sees. No shame, no self-consciousness. What if I babbled at everyone at the Wildlife Photographer of the Year Exhibit the same way she did? Everyone would think I was insane. And perhaps that is what is really wrong with the world.

There we are. Some of my current favoure things about being the parent of a 7-month-old baby. It is important to cherish the good, and they far outweigh the negative.

But there are indeed negative aspects. Of course. One above all else.

I, Tamar, now know the absolute worst aspect of being a baby parent.

It is the electronic snot sucker.

I will not elaborate.